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La's Self-Discovery Blog (10 unread)

• 

  Summer, defined in a picture

  Posted: October 2nd, 2008, 1:37am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  
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  Our "holiday" weekend

  Posted: September 1st, 2008, 2:24am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  Lee and his boys hiked for 7 hours, starting up Dry Canyon, around the back side of Big Baldy, and down Battle Creek Canyon. They were exhausted afterwards.
  
  The swamp cooler and water heater conspired together, and gave up the ghost at the same time.
  
  Lee's oldest son tried to overdose, which resulted in a night of ICU.
  
  We cleaned the house, did the laundry, mowed the lawn.
  
  An adorable kitten almost adopted us, but after having spent the day with us, we found its rightful owner.
  
  We had a spontaneous BBQ for people who were here visiting the OD kid.
  
  The oven has been dying slowly for a while, so we took it out. My sister had an extra (2 extras, actually), so installing the replacement is on the agenda for today.
  
  Lee replaced the pump in the swamp cooler, and also installed 2 new water heaters. Pain!
  
  I can't wait for the work week to start again, for it's bound to be more relaxing than this weekend has been. :)
• 

  Who Knew?

  Posted: August 30th, 2008, 3:17am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  When it was crystal clear that my marriage wouldn't work for either of us anymore, I took decisive action. I still wonder to myself, "If I had known how things would play out, would I still have handled the situation the way I did?" The answer is obvious to me. The answer is no. But I can't change history.
  
  The way I handled things hurt people. The way I handled things was abrupt (for those on the outside looking in). I was selfish and arrogant. For those in close proximity, they pitied how trapped we both were, but they could also see us making mistake after mistake. For those a little further removed, they formed their opinions regarding what they knew of the situation and have stuck by those opinions to this day.
  
  Would I have made the same choices if I knew it meant losing friends? Hindsight is definitely 20/20, because I see things from a much different vantage point now. I see friendships that weren't what I thought they were. In my own feisty, need-to-have-control-at-all-times way, I was very naive to others' motives and intents.
  
  Here are some points that need addressing:
  
  * For most of the 10+ years spent together, we had been fooling ourselves. Neither of us had the courage to admit it though.
  
  * My marriage was over (even if only the two of us knew it) before I--quite accidentally--fell in love with another man.
  
  * Most of the pain and hurt I inflicted wasn't intentional. I cannot excuse it, because I am the perpetrator. I am good at justifying things in my mind, and that skill was put into practice a LOT a couple of years ago. But I never set out to hurt anyone. I'm not cruel or vicious; but I am an idiot that gets to live with the consequences of her stupid actions.
  
  * I don't love drama. People always think that I love drama. I do love fairy tales, and THAT is big problem for me. But I don't love drama whatsoever; in fact, quite the opposite, I prefer simplicity.
  
  It's been 2 years since our marriage was crumbling around our feet. We're finally finding balance and hopefully we'll each find our individual bliss. We are parents and friends, and we wish each other the best. The rest, I pray, is water under the bridge now.
• 

  Catching up, and wasps.

  Posted: August 14th, 2008, 3:07am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  I got to meet up with some of my oldest friends on Wednesday (oldest meaning longest duration of friendship). FUN!!! The thing I love about them most is that despite years of doing our own things and not really keeping in contact, we can get together now and laugh and reminisce and catch up. The years don't seem to make much difference.
  
  My little boy discovered that he is NOT scared of the water anymore. He was wearing his arm floaties, and decided that jumping off the side into the pool was the greatest thing ever. While he was on the deck, he backed up all the way to the fence to get a running start. Next thing I hear is piercing screeches coming from his direction. I looked over and saw his little arms flailing and swatting as he screamed. Right at the fence was a wasp's nest and apparently he got too close, without even knowing it.
  
  I think he only got stung twice, and the pain didn't last too long since we iced the stings. But, dang, there's no worse sound than your kid screaming in terror. Later, I accidentally stepped on a wasp, and told him "I got that naughty wasp that stung you." Then I took a picture, just so we could remind ourselves that wasps should NOT mess with us. We had a talk about bees though, because I don't want him to be afraid of them. That wouldn't be good since I'm going to be a beekeeper. :)
  
  
• 

  Days 10 +

  Posted: August 10th, 2008, 1:14pm EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  Hey my cut-back-on-caffeine has been going pretty well still. I have let myself drink a couple DDP's here and there, but mostly I've been sticking to water. I still poop out during the late afternoon sometimes, but I've figured out that it only happens when I wake up early that morning (i.e. for work).
  
  Confession #1: I've tried out Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm totally ashamed to have wasted my time with it. Why would anyone choose to drink carbonated brown water with aspartame and 35 mg of sodium? It's beyond me. But oh well.
  
  Confession #2: This past week I got a new laptop. I work for HP, so I decided to see what the employee discount was like. I found a pretty good deal, and it's better than anything I have at the moment. This is my first ever computer. MY first ever computer. I'm so in love, it's sick.
  
  Confession #3: I've decided what I want to do with my life. I'm not looking for it to happen this second, but, ultimately, I think I have found the direction I'd like to go. I want to be a bee-keeper. :) No, I'm not crazy. For so many reasons it's the perfect profession for me!! More about this topic to come at a later date.
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  Day 8 and Day 9

  Posted: August 1st, 2008, 4:16am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  ONE WEEK! I felt great again yesterday. We had some work friends over for a BBQ, and I felt awake and alert the whole time. It was another caffeine-free day, so taking that into consideration, I'm pretty impressed with how it has gone.
  
  Lee has decided he'll give up caffeine too. It's more fun when you have a "buddy" to go through life-changes with. :) He's participating in The Biggest Loser at his work, so I'm going to be his "buddy" through that.
  
  Day 9:
  
  I'm caffeine-free today, but I'm super tired. I think I need to make sure I get a good night's sleep tonight. Hooray for the weekend!
• 

  Day 7

  Posted: July 31st, 2008, 12:39am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  Well. It wasn't a caffeine-free day (took a couple of swigs with lunch!), but it was a milestone in its own right.
  
  Normally in the afternoon I'm a zombie. I'm either falling asleep at my desk or I crash as soon as I get home. But yesterday was different. I felt pretty good throughout the afternoon! When I left work, I felt like I could still be awake at home, so I folded laundry and got a few things taken care of. I did have a pretty low point in the early evening, but I never laid down nor fell asleep. After spending some time on the couch watching a movie, I actually felt a little bit re-energized. I did more cleaning and got a few more things done before I decided it was time for bed.
  
  I was pretty darn happy about it, let me just say! I'm gradually feeling some progress, and that's a necessity if I'm going to keep this up.
• 

  Day 6

  Posted: July 29th, 2008, 4:38am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  HOLY CRAVING. I slept 25 minutes late this morning, and while I was getting ready for work an intense craving for DDP hit me. I couldn't shake it! I ate some toast, a yogurt and banana, and STILL the craving was there.
  
  It's almost lunchtime now, and I'm not feeling so desperate. I've been sipping water all morning (side note: Another reason I don't like water is that if I drank as much as I'm "supposed to", I'd be peeing every 30 minutes, all day long! Sheesh!).
  
  It may be really lame to some people that I am only blogging mundane things. Well, I've had bloggers-block for quite some time now, so this is a remarkable accomplishment, in my opinion. Hopefully it will lead me into more profound entries sometime soon. It will help that I just got myself a laptop. :) We'll see!
• 

  Days 3, 4 and 5

  Posted: July 29th, 2008, 12:27am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  (Over the weekend and yesterday)
  
  The weekend wasn't too bad. Lee and I were without children, and whenever I'm only responsible for myself I have an easier time practicing restraint. Even though Lee got himself a fountain drink from the gas station (I usually get one too!), I limited my caffeine intake to only a couple of swigs to help wash food down. Aside from feeling lazy and energy-less most of the weekend, it wasn't too bad.
  
  Monday was pretty good too. I sipped a Fresca for most of the day, and just drank water with lunch. You have to understand that I am not a Water Person. Yuck! It has no flavor and usually just makes me feel water-logged and gross. So choosing water is kind of a big deal for me. Monday was my first caffeine-free day, and that's a pretty good milestone!
  
  p.s. I think Water People usually have a holier-than-thou attitude, which is why I like to give Them the respect They're due.
• 

  Day 2

  Posted: July 25th, 2008, 8:20am EDT by La

  Tags:    [edit]

  I'm stuffed on Wingers, but didn't eat too poorly there. A bunch of popcorn, a few fries, then a salad and a half-sandwich (neither of which I finished).
  
  I've consumed a 1/2 can of Diet Dr. Pepper today. Those who know me know I love Love LOVE Diet Dr. Pepper. My fave! So only drinking a 1/2 can is kind of a big deal.
  
  Still feeling positive and optimistic. I want a life change. I want to be able to stay awake without the use of caffeine, so that's the goal.