Leaving Mormonism was the first big Life Change that started me on the road to finally, for the very first time that I can recall, dipping my oars into the water and steering my own ship. Always before, I felt like a leaf on a river, floating along wherever I was taken. In retrospect, I don't think I ever even felt I had the right to steer my own path. I grew up with a very controlling and emotionally abusive father, who hardly encouraged me or my siblings to be autonomous, independent, and confident in ourselves. I also was raised in a very restrictive religion, where a woman's "righteous" path is spelled out for her from childhood to death. Then, after getting pregnant out of wedlock at BYU, I married a man who was 8 years older than me, who seemed to be similar to what I was used to dealing with: someone who also had a need to be in full control.
Starting my blog was key to this change in me. I felt for the first time in a very long time that I had a voice...something valid to say. Re-thinking my place in this world beyond the constraints of the Mormon path--reviewing my "only worthy purpose" given by God himself to be a mother in Zion--I found myself staring hard at my life and realizing there was much I needed to change if I wanted to have true happiness.
So I began the very difficult process of determining for myself, for the first time since I was married at age 21, exactly what I wanted for my life. I knew that I wasn't happy and that I needed some serious changes in my life. I realized that I was not being true to myself, and thus was not giving my children the example I wanted them to have of a mother who is strong, autonomous, and deserving of being treated well. I finally allowed myself to admit that I was enduring unnecessary pain simply because I was used to it and had a high tolerance for it.
